I need to get something off my chest...

Literally - I need to get something off my chest! Maybe I am a terrible person, maybe I am a total freak... but I have a confession to make. I do not like breastfeeding. At. All. Whew - there I said it! It's out there in the blogosphere now... but, I'm serious. I feel horrible about it, like something in me isn't wired right! I want to think it's this beautiful, perfectly made by God act between a mother and child... but, really, I don't like it. What's wrong with me!? I mean... I've had a GREAT experience with nursing Raleigh - seriously, he's flawless when it comes to nursing (I wasn't nearly that lucky with SJ... I did the whole bloody nipple/screaming in pain thing with her). It's not that I don't love to hold him and feed him, I'm so content with him having a bottle and rocking him and singing You are my Sunshine over and over... and over and over. It's just not that "moving" of an experience for me as it is for most people that I know. But, I do it... I just feel like I do it for the wrong reasons. Well, I only have one reason really... the only reason I do it at all is because I can't justify spending money on formula when I have no technical problems with breastfeeding. I just want my body back!! It's MINE! I mean, I have heard the whole "it's the best thing for your baby" speech.... and I get it, but I also will never believe that formula is a bad thing for your baby either. SJ's living proof... and I'll argue you into the groud if you argue with me on that one. She's brilliant and you can count on ONE hand the number of times in her life she has been sick in her entire life (knock on wood). Anyway, I just needed to vent that... and now I feel better! Don't freak out, I'm not throwing in the nursing towel - yet! I'm just SOOOO over it that it's not even funny.

Also, when I am done nursing, I am going to find a doctor to give me an adipex prescription and a b12 shot! Seriously - I want this weight OFF and I want it off QUICKLY! I don't care about doing it the healthy way... I hate salad and I love Mountain Dew. I want to lose the weight so I can be Hot. I mean, if healthy comes as a side effect, great - but it's not my main motive. Seriously, have you people seen my hubby? He's stinkin' gorgeous and I don't feel like we match! I just want to feel comfortable walking beside him without people assuming I must be his sister. bleh. And, can I just add that I think cosmetic surgery is stupid, but when this weight comes off - I'm going to be looking into getting these outrageous stretch marks removed!

Now, please don't misinterpret what I'm saying as I hate myself and I want to pawn my kid off on a bottle --- that isn't it at all, I just don't get the breastfeeding hype and I want to be somewhat as good looking as I was when George met me (minus the fake blonde hair). I don't think that's crazy... and I don't think that I am anywhere close to the only Mom that has ever felt that way.

In closing, my opologies for a "rant" blog and tons of grammatical errors and typos.. stay tuned for a happy, upbeat blog post with baby pictures. :)

Thanks for humoring me long enough to read this.


Hyperactive Lu said...

I relate and DON'T feel bad! :) Hang in there!!!

Dana said...

I will just throw this out there. If someone thinks the direction you decide to go with this is a problem, then instead of giving unhelpful comments, they should try to become a part of a solution by supporting you. If they are concerned enough about your child to give ridicule then they should be willing to take the load off of you somewhere else to help.

Dinner, would be nice because you are nursing during the time you would normally fix dinner. Or, a maid would be nice since you spend a good part of your time that you could be doing housework, breastfeeding. I'm sure that you could think of a list of a hundred different things that would make your experience more enjoyable.

On paper, it would seem like the most healthy and cost efficient thing for my family for me to grow all of my produce in my backyard. However, I am so bad at and dislike that sort of thing so much, it would no doubt, take something away from my family in another area.

This is what I have found about people, when someone criticizes without giving a thought to becoming a part of a solution, their criticism has a lot more to do with how they feel about themselves than how they feel about you.

I love you!

Tammy said...

Being in the same stage of life that you're in right now, I totally understand. It does feel like your body isn't yours anymore and you're on demand all the time (even if there is a schedule). It works good for me but I totally get that it is not for everyone. Honestly, I'm too cheap to buy formula! I have been counting down the time until Beckett will be weaned. Oh freedom, how I long for thee!

The Bigelows said...

I get what you're saying, but I feel compelled to mention one thing: YOU ARE REALLY, REALLY PRETTY! And you don't look like George's sister! We are all our own worst critics, and I know how you feel, but from an outside (and more objective) perspective, I just wanted to let you know! ;-)