9.25.2008

i am not even sure where to begin with this one..

So I will begin with this:


Love is patient
love is kind- it is not jealous;
love does not brag and is not arrogant
does not act unbecomingly
it does not seek its own,
is not provoked,
does not take into account a wrong suffered,
does not rejoice in unrighteousness but rejoices with the truth;
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
(NAS, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
If you were to ask me who I loved... I would tell you a long list of people, but if you were to ask me who I love like this... I can tell you no one.
I am jealous.
I can be very unbecoming.
I can "seek my own" and I am very easily provoked.
I hold grudges like no other.
I lose faith, I give up, I run out of hope, and I walk away.
I do this all the time. I don't know why, I could sit back and try to be prophetic and theologial in an effort to explain why I maintain this pattern, but i won't.--- i could blame it on the past, relationships gone haywire, blame it on wrongs, blame it on everyone and anything but me... but there really is no other explanation. I own it. I do believe that you choose your own destiny, you control your own reality... no one else, and this is mine, and i'm responsible for it. I screw things up. I don't mean for that to come off in a "pity me, I'm such a screw up" kind of way, it's just how it is. Without going into detail, it's true. With the exception of my child (who is the exception to all of this) --I don't fight for things -- I never have, I don't put much effort into things--- I've never wanted to... i want it to just happen, i want things to fall into place, I want to be catered to. I guess, in a way we all do. I put on this face that says "I'm so perfect, I'm happy, I have it all together... don't you wish you were me.." --- but it's an act, a total farce, a big lie.
I am about to get really honest here... mainly with myself, but hey... since you're here.
I met George when I was 17. He was amazing. Arrogant and Distant... but still intriging and mysterious and I feel absolutely head over heels. We were married almost 7 months later...right after I turned 18 and Sarah Jane was born 12 months later. We bought a house and cars and got careers and joined clubs and the grass grew and the house got messy and the laundry piled up and the bills got higher and budget got smaller and little things became big things and big things became mountains and somewhere in that, the love that we had got lost. I completely forgot all the reasons why I fell in love with him in the first place. I started my pattern... you know, the one i was talking about earlier... the "push people away, put up walls, don't forgive... hold grudges, fight back, start fights, be selfish, be jealous, give up, be vindictive" cycle. In the course of our 5 year marriage, there were a lot of things that were said that should have never been said and things done that should have never been done, by both of us... and not just by George. I know, that sounds shocking (not b/c it is hard to believe from me... just hard to believe that I would admit it). When I left I was so convinced that every downfall in our marriage wasn't my fault... how could it have been? I was so busy focusing on every wrong that he had ever commited, that i never even noticed mine... Oh, but there were so many that were my fault. The list is endless. I knew every button to push, every word to say, everything to do, every place to poke and prod ... and I did it every oppurtunity that I got. I really don't have an excuse or an explanation. I guess i was hurt, maybe. Who knows... or cares? It was inexcusable. I don't want Sarah Jane to know that side of me. ---or the side of George that sort of behavior invokes. We are better than that. Both of us are. We spent so much time trying to one up one another and get ahead, that we forgot that we were a team. So there we were... after divorce papers have been filed... furniture divided... child support set... every other weekend habits formed... attorneys, paperwork, opinions formed, etc...etc...etc... --- and we realized that this was a mistake. --- so we are starting over. That's all I know to say... we are starting over.
We have heard it all: "I'm behind you, go for it" "This is a terrible idea" "Are you out of your mind" --- on and on... but family is all that matters, and Sarah Jane's family matters and we are going to make it through this. We promised God we would 5 years and 7 months ago, and we will. But we won't do it alone.
I don't know if you pray or not ... I go through cycles in my life where I pray more than others... but we could really use it here, for everything from patience, to trust, to forgiveness, to Sarah Jane and everything in between.
Also, keep us in mind this weekend. WE are going to Tennessee to see my family for my mom's birthday and my niece's 18th birthday (yes, you read that right... Myki is 18!) --- those of you that know the history here, know how big of a mountain we are overcoming. Little things, baby steps, one day at a time. Rome was not built in a day, right? :)
I don't really have anything else to say... but I will leave it with this:

George and I were in Kirkland's last night and we saw a sign that said this... both of us started laughing. How funny.
George:
I choose you. Everyday. I meant what I wrote inside your wedding ring.

7 comments:

The Tri Runner said...

i love you too.

The Reverend's Lover said...

wow. i was just doing the random "next blog" thing at the top and you totally got my attention. prayers for your journey...

Tony and Susan said...

praying for you, girl!!!!! i really admire you guys!

Sandi Wakefield said...

WOW! Your writing is amazing and you didn't hold anything back. Major courage!!! My heart smiles to think of your family as one again. You know I am praying hard!!!

Haley West said...

Wow, Jay. That really is amazing. You gave me goosebumps! I know that God will honor y'all's relationship, and I am praying so hard for everything to work out! Love you boo!

Dana said...

Oh my, the tears.. tears of joy! 18 was a very young age to have all of that thrown on you. And I do believe in prayer and it may just be that the prayers that so many of us prayed so long ago are being answered. Sometimes God takes us on a long journey to get us back home :).

So so happy for you guys!

Adam said...

I believe in you guys. May you be a blessing to each other. May you embody grace. May your love for each other bless your child.
AE
P.S. You aren't in Nashville this weekend by any chance, are you?